A capture of Plum proportions
by mayami
Summary: Ranger has a disastrous capture that would make Stephanie proud! Second fanfic so pls R&R! Now Complete
1. Chapter 1

**A capture of Plum proportions**

**Disclaimer**: The characters are the property of that saucy minx known to us all as Janet Evanovich.

**Spoilers**: I might have unconsciously put in some ST one's, not sure.

**Rating**: No smut but plenty of language. Oh the language!

_A/N: After taking the plunge and posting my first fiction I have done the unthinkable and done another one. I just couldn't stop. It's almost like an alien life form has decided to invade my body and…well, no it isn't like that. Anyway, I have always wondered if Ranger ever has a bad capture of Plum worthy proportions. So yea…hopefully you will enjoy! It was originally going to be a one-shot but the story kinda evolved into something a little…bigger._

_OMG! i just screwed up majorly by trying to submit the 2nd chapter and deleting the whole thing because i couldn't understand how to do it! sorry, so pls R&R again_

* * *

Ranger's POV. Sometime after ST.

"Cameron Gomez," Tank read out loud as he momentarily took his eyes off the road and glanced over at the name on the top folder that lay on my lap. "Wanted for beating his wife to death, trying to burn the evidence and after failing at that, the moron buried her. Idiot. If I wanted to make someone disappear it would be a lot cleaner and my neighbours would definitely not hear about it and call the cops." "True that," I agreed.

Tank and I were driving out of the lot in front of the Bonds Office and had a full day of apprehensions ahead of us. The sky was cornflower blue with very little wind. It was summer in Trenton and it was a beautiful day. I smiled to myself as I recalled breaking into Stephanie's apartment this morning. Knowing she had been out all night ripping up the clubs with Lula and Connie, she would almost certainly be worshipping at the altar of the golden arches and Alka-Seltzer this morning. After stopping off at a MacDonald's drive through to buy the Cure, I instructed Tank to make a detour, and let myself into her apartment. Stephanie was snoring softly, spreadeagled facedown on her bed in a tank top and boxers. I shook my head at the mess that constituted her bedroom, walked across to the window and drew back the curtains to let in the bright morning sunlight.

She had drool across her cheek and smudges of makeup on her face and pillow.

"How was last night?"

"Go 'way," she mumbled into the pillow. "My head hurts and I need to sleep."

"You need to get up. It's already 9. Can't sleep away the whole day."

"Oh yes I can. Now go away." She practically snarled at me.

"Babe. Can you smell something?"

She froze. And slowly began moving. First wrinkling her nose, then blinking. Pushing herself onto her elbows. Smelling deeply.

"You're a good, good man Ranger," she whispered and stumbled into the living room where she proceeded to rip open the paper bag and shovel fries into her mouth like there was no tomorrow.

"Aaaah. Pure heaven. God bless you." I watched silently as she licked the salt off her fingers and I started to grow hard in places I hadn't been hard for a long time.

"If you know what's good for you babe, you wouldn't do that again."

Eyebrows raised, she stopped mid lick and looked at me like a rabbit caught in headlights.

"Feeling better?" I asked already knowing the answer. It never ceased to amaze me how much saturated fats, carbohydrates and sugar my babe could eat and still look the way she did. Life was unfair. I hadn't touched fries in years. And there was only one way that I could get the look that Stephanie had on her face right now. And now was definitely not the time.

"Working today?"

Stephanie realised that trying to shake her head was a bad idea and opted instead for an incoherent, "Nuuurrr."

"Babe."

"I'm going back to sleep," she mumbled, struggling to stand up.

"Babe," I repeated, doing a mental headshake. "Like I said, you can't sleep away the whole day."

"Fine," she said blowing out a sigh. "I'll wake up when you leave, and then I'm hitting the beach."

Mental image of a lobster in a bikini lying on the sand.

"You'll fry."

"I don't care. It's vitamin D anyway. Good for me."

There was no point arguing with her so I left Stephanie to her devices but not before I heard her say in a soft voice, "Ranger?"

I stopped at the door.

There was a pause. "Thanks."

I nodded and left.

* * *

"Boss?"

I was interrupted by Tank.

"Sorry, what's up?"

"We're here."

I shook my head surprised at myself. I hadn't been caught lost-in-thought before. Man, I thought, Stephanie must really be getting under skin more than I realised. Banishing those disquieting thoughts from my conscious, I turned my attention back to Tank. We had parked along a stretch of quiet residential houses. Cameron Gomez's house was a small single story brick affair. The lawn was overgrown, and there was an altogether forlorn and neglected air to it.

We got out and I rapped on the door with the butt of my Mag-light.

We waited for a few minutes but no one answered. Exchanging looks with Tank, I quickly picked the lock and we softly crept our way inside, guns drawn, slowly sweeping the house. Parlour, living room on the right, dining room and kitchen on the left with the bedrooms at the rear. It was a total mess. Clothes, empty pizza boxes and beer bottles were flung everywhere and it smelled like Gomez regularly sweated out his body weight in BO and wore wet t-shirts.

"All clear boss. Looks like he's bolted."

"Or maybe not," I replied as I opened the fridge. It was stocked full of instant microwave meals and cans of Bud.

"Gomes wouldn't run and leave this much grog behind," I reasoned.

Tank grumbled. "Damn. We gotta find this punk before the day is out. Where the hell could he be?"

Tank and I left by the back door and made our way to the front.

Indicating to the house on the right, I instructed him to ask the neighbours if they knew anything while I would tackle the house opposite.

No one was at home when I inquired, but Tank struck gold.

"Old lady at home. Said that Gomez left about half an hour before we arrived and she reckoned it looked like he was headed for the beach."

We swung back into the SUV, U turned and laid rubber.

* * *

As Tank and I pulled into the lot at Point Pleasant, we spotted Gomez's battered SUV. Donning a pair of shades, bullet-proof vests and combat boots, I admitted that we stood out like a sore thumb. Not to mention the fact that we were fully armed in all black. If Tank and I were intimidating in Stark Street, I wondered what the reception would be like at the beach. Shrugging away that thought, we turned to the mission at hand.

The beach was crowded. Apart from being the school holidays, the beautiful weather had drawn people from their offices and houses and I realised that it would be a challenge to find our man in this throng. We passed a hotdog stand and I immediately thought of my babe. I knew that she would probably be at the beach before long and I began to look for her too.

Trudging through the sand, Tank and I began to scour the beach for Gomez.

"He can't be that hard to spot. I mean, this guy is about 300 pounds of pure flab. Put that in a pair of Speedo's and it should be a piece of cake to spot."

I smiled at Tank's optimism and admitted that he wasn't too far off the mark.

"Hmm. Just look out for screaming women and children."

Tank's chest thunked up and down indicating he was chuckling.

"Should we split up?" Tank asked as we walked past a group of teenager girls. Mouths dropped open, nipples hardened and all lapsed into a kind of revered silence as we passed. Well, I guess its not everyday you get to see two men dressed in black SWAT gear strolling along the beach.

"I hate it when they do that," Tank grumbled.

I smiled.

Tank continued his grumbling. "Damn this sand. Boss, sorry to sound like a girl, but this friggin' sand is getting into my boots."

I gave a mental eyeroll and shook my head. "Get over it."

* * *

_A/N: So, what do you think so far? I've basically finished the whole story (it's not very long. Only one more chapter to go), and I would edit and post it, but it's a Saturday night which means it's time for me to go and get drunk at my local pub with my friends. So I will post the finish action-filled finale tomorrow. Hopefully. I would love for feedback and comments. All constructive criticisms are welcome with open arms!_


	2. Chapter 2

A capture of Plum proportions II

**Disclaimer**: All characters are the property of Janet Evanovich that lucky bitch! Except for Cameron Gomez. He's actually one of my friends and I thought it would be uproariously funny if I used his name. For all you single ladies out there, rest assured, Cameron is nothing like the bad guy in this particular story. Apart from the smell. Only kidding!

**Spoilers**: Some TS. Not sure. Thanks for Jess-the-complete-Loon for pointing out typo!

**Rating**: Language. The f-word is in there somewhere.

_A/N: Sorry it took a bit longer to post but I had major writers block, plus had to go shopping for a cocktail dress for an upcoming 21st. Damn! Didn't know it would be so hard to find a plain, stylish black dress. Any typos, pls let me know so I can fix them._

* * *

_I gave a mental eyeroll and shook my head. "Get over it."_

With Tank muttering obscenities under his breath, we began to trudge along the beach. Children would pause mid-play and gawk. Parents hurried and scooped them up. Some people even began to pack. We hadn't walked 100 meters when a lifesaver guard approached us cautiously.

"Um, excuse me…"

I removed the apprehension papers from my pocket and handed it over to him before he had finished his sentence.

"We're fugitive apprehension agents," I said curtly. "These are our papers."

The guard was a tough weather-beaten looking man who could have been anywhere between 30 to 60 years old. His skin was excessively tanned to the point it resembled an old ladies handbag. He looked at Tank, then looked back at me pursing his lips. Reading the papers, he slowly nodded.

"Okay gentlemen. Make your capture, but make it quick. You could not imagine the panicked parents I had when you two appeared."

"Yes sir. But maybe you could help make it a little easier for us." I withdrew the photo of Gomez and showed it to the guard. "I would appreciate if you would look out for this man. He's very dangerous and possibly armed."

The guard blanched and turned several shades lighter under his tan.

"Shouldn't this be a matter for the police?"

"Sir, in this case, we have the same authority as the police. Just let us do our job."

The guard hesitated.

"You can call the station if it would make you feel any better," I offered pulling out my cell. "Ask for Officer Constanza."

It worked. The guard nodded, "okay, but try not to scare anymore people."

Too late, I thought.

* * *

Tank and I decided to split up. He headed towards the south end of the beach where the kiosks and restrooms were located. I headed in the opposite direction towards the rock pools and cliffs. Every few meters I would pause and look around trying to spot Gomez. I ignored the large families and concentrated on lone figures. The further north I walked, the less likely it seemed that our FTA was going to appear so I turned and began to stride back towards the main area of the beach. Suddenly my cell rang.

"Boss?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm in the kiosk. Our man is busy buying lunch. Don't think he's spotted me yet."

"Hard to believe," I joked. "Okay, don't lose him. I'll be there in 3."

I realised my mistake as I began to run. The sand was deep and soft and the faster I ran, the more I kicked up and the more I managed to get into my boots. It irritated me like a bitch. Tank wasn't lying, I thought grimly. Ignoring the sand and the stares of people as I passed, I ran around the back of the dunes and entered into the rear entrance of the kiosk. I casually strolled into the store and nodded to the guy serving behind the counter. His eyes widened and he nodded nervously back at me. The beach guard must have alerted him, I realised. Tank was standing outside the store and nodded towards the hotdog stand.

"Beached whale at 3o'clock boss."

We made our way down the steps of the kiosk and walked towards the stand. Our FTA was lying down on a blue beach towel a few feet behind it stuffing a hotdog into his face. Gomez was wearing tiny white see-through Speedos that left nothing to the imagination. Add on the small factor that 90 percent of his body hair wasn't on his head and he was greased all over in sunscreen, made him one of the most undesirable captures I had had to make in a long time. These were the kind of weirdos usually reserved for my babe. The panic in Gomez's eyes was palpable as we approached him and I could almost hear the gears churning in his head as we walked up to him.

"Cameron Gomez?" I asked.

"Yeah, what's it to you?"

"You forgot your court date. We came to pick you up to arrange another time," I explained. He eyed us uneasily and stood up still holding his half eaten lunch. As I unhooked the cuffs from my belt he turned and stumbled awkwardly away.

Tank's usual tactic with captures that tried escaping was to simply pick them up and shake them, but there was nothing to hold onto with Gomez unless you count the excessively long hair that sprouted from his shoulders and back. We stood silently for a split second and watched Gomez fly across the sand. His pants were riding up his butt crack and he looked like a massively overgrown hamster stuffed in a white g-string.

Then Tank and I made chase.

"Why the hell didn't grabbed him?" I snapped at Tank while narrowly avoiding a couple of kids building a sand castle.

"Sorry boss, but I wasn't about to touch him. You don't pay me _that_ much." He grinned.

"Shit."

* * *

Gomez was running as fast as his stumpy legs could carry him and he was heading for the kiosk. As we pounded after I indicated to Tank to go around the back. He nodded, overtook me and ran around to the rear entrance. I ran up the steps close on Gomez's heels and at the entrance to the store I reached forward and managed to slap a cuff onto his wrist.

"Son of a bitch!" He howled and turned quickly windmilling his arms frantically, scattering children and knocking over an old lady. He turned to face me, his expression one of pure fury and he threw the only weapon he had. His hotdog. Unable to dodge, it hit me in the middle of my chest and slid down leaving a trail of red and yellow mustard behind.

"Shit." I guess at that moment I lost my cool. I took out my Glock, kicked Gomez in the stomach and as he dropped I straddled him and pointed the gun to his head.

"Don't move motherfucker!" I yelled.

People were scrambling to get out of the way and someone screamed. I could hear somebody inside the kiosk yelling for the cops. Then a figure moved into my peripheral vision and assuming it was Tank, glanced over and instead came face-to-face with Stephanie. I was momentarily stunned. She stood there staring at me eyes and mouth wide open, holding a hot dog. I wasn't shocked at seeing my babe. After all, I knew I would see her sooner or later. Rather, what stunned me was seeing her in a bikini. I hadn't seen Stephanie naked since that fateful night last year and if she was stunning in the skimpy dresses she wore for the odd distraction job and her tight Rangeman uniform, in a barely there string bikini, she was every man's fantasy come true. Looking at her now she was all luscious curves and endless legs. I was raking my eyes up and down her body when Gomez took the ultimate advantage. He jerked his knee up and connected it with that part of my body that was growing warm and hard.

I felt like he had stuffed me inside out.

"Fuck," I groaned and rolled off him grabbing at my vitals. Gomez got up and ran down the steps with the cuffs still attached.

As I lay on the floor in a near comatose state I recalled that I hadn't felt this much pain since that incident in the army when I found out the initiation ceremony for all new soldiers was to be hung from a pole by their underwear and get down without assistance. Those that didn't got their heads dunked into the communal toilets. Tank had also been subjected to the same tradition and scarred by that incident, we had resolved to never wear tighty whities ever again.

Stephanie swam into my field of vision, her forehead creased with worry.

"Omigod Ranger, are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Stephanie was kneeling beside me and as I sat up I was greeted by a nice view of her breasts. Now I was really fine.

"It was all your fault. You don't know what you do to men in that outfit. Or lack thereof."

Stephanie stared at me and I could see the flush start at her collarbone and creep upwards. Our gaze held and I began to stir downstairs. At least I know that Gomez hadn't permanently ruined anything. Stephanie and I were still staring at each other and for a moment I didn't give a flying fuck about capturing my FTA. I drew my head closer to her, and Stephanie did likewise. We were so close…

"Um, boss?"

Damn. What was I doing? I was in the middle of an extremely important job and here I was, mooning around like a love-struck teenager. I drew back from Stephanie abruptly and stood up gingerly lifting one leg then the other.

"Boss? You ok?"

I waved Tank away and bent over at the waist breathing deeply. In. Out. In. Out. I stood tall and nodded.

"Fine."

I could see the relief in Tank and Stephanie's eyes. She was still eyeing me warily.

"I'm so sorry I distracted you Ranger."

"Forget about it." I looked up at her. I could tell she wasn't really sorry. I could read her like an open book and her aquamarine eyes shone with barely concealed mirth.

Narrowing my eyes at her I warned, "I'll get my back babe, that's a promise."

"Or a threat?"

"You can take it any way you like."

We trooped down the stairs and onto the sand and in the distance we could see Gomez scurrying up the beach heading towards the car park. Knowing that if we lost him today we might not get a chance to catch him again, Tank and I set off at a run with Stephanie hurrying after us. We had momentarily lost sight of him, but as we rounded over the top of the sand dune with me at the lead, Gomez suddenly appeared, threw himself at me and we both went down with a loud "OOMPF." Tumbling head over heels to the bottom of the dune punching and grappling as we fell, Gomez's sweaty, sunscreen sticky body rolled over mine, and it took all my skill and strength to pull away from him. But as I made to stand up, I heard a familiar "click" sound and realised the loser had cuffed me to him. Laughing manically, he lunged at me again.

"Oh no you don't you lousy shit eating piece of crap!" he yelled as I tried to dance out of his way. Who did this idiot think I was? That was it. No more Mister Nice Guy.

As Gomez rushed towards me the second time I stopped him with a stiff right uppercut and he went down like a sack of potatoes.

I stood grimly over him. I was pissed. Seriously pissed.

"Good work boss. Don't know why you didn't just think of punching him out before."

"Not now Tank, not now." The bastard was grinning at me, his shaved head shining in the sun like an 8 ball.

"Here make yourself useful and unlock these," I indicated the handcuffs. "Must have lost the keys in the sand somewhere."

"Sure thing boss." But Tank made no effort to move. He just stood there, laughing at me.

"If you don't unlock me now, I'll…"

"You'll do what Ranger?" It was Stephanie. She had sidled up to Tank's side and now gazed at me, head tilted slightly.

"Ranger, I think you'll find that in the bounty hunter manual it states that having any kind of sexual relation with an FTA is strictly forbidden. And I think what you've just been engaging in directly violates that rule."

I stared at Stephanie in disbelief. What the hell, I thought. Was she turning into me all of a sudden? Or more frighteningly, was I turning into her?

"And to think that I always provided the entertainment," she added laughing.

"Nah, I think Ranger's found his true calling now," hooted Tank and he slowly started walking away.

"Tank."

The tone of my voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Boss?" he said warily.

"Cuffs. Now."

My voice was steel and I was quickly losing my temper. Tank of all people knew not to mess with me when I was like this. He meekly undid the cuffs and even picked up Gomez by the ankle and began to drag him up the sand dunes.

I wordlessly walked up to Stephanie and lifted up her face with a finger.

"I was going to threaten you with the worst torture imaginable,"

"But?"

"I couldn't think of anything appropriate."

"Oh," she took a step back. "Well, in that case I had better…um, go help Tank with your guy."

"I'm not finished yet," I began, but Stephanie gave a nervous jump and ran up the sand hill.

I stood there for a second in disbelief shaking my head.

* * *

When we finally had Gomez properly chained up we dragged him towards the SUV.

"Hold it boss," Tank had his hand on my arm holding me back. "Do we have to put him into my truck? I had the leather cleaned yesterday."

I glared at him. I had just wrestled with an FTA that resulted in me not only being covered head to toe in condiments, sand and sunscreen, but also potentially killing Mr Happy. And to top it off, my babe had watched the whole thing. There she was now standing amidst the crowd and beaming a smile that was threatening to split her face in two. She thought there was safety in numbers. She thought wrong.

The death glare must have done the trick because Tank wordlessly opened the back of his SUV and unceremoniously dumped Gomez inside. I looked down at myself. So this is what it felt like to be Stephanie after a particularly disastrous capture. I picked off a bit of dried ketchup on my vest and threw it away in disgust. My pants were covered in sunscreen and my boots were filled with sand. Not caring who was looking I took the Kevlar vest off and pulled my shirt off over my head.

A crowd had gathered around us by now and the talking was lulled to a quiet hush. I looked up irritably and noticed that most of the crowd were women and staring at me. I looked over at Stephanie and noted with grim satisfaction that I had effectively wiped the smile from her mouth. She appeared to be drooling instead.

Gotcha, I thought. Like the waves that had parted for Moses, the crowd moved back as I made my way over to her. Stephanie licked her lips as I approached and raked her eyes up and down my naked chest.

I stopped about a foot away from her and stared at her with the eye of my tiger.

"Babe. You ran away from me _and_ you laughed at me."

"Who, me?" She tried to feign innocence.

"No one laughs at me." then I growled, "and gets away with it."

"I wasn't laughing at _you_," she stressed and looked nervously around. Women were staring at me, doing that stupid fanning thing with their hands and shooting rays of jealousy towards my babe.

"Oh come on, sheesh," she muttered exasperated blowing out a sigh. "And don't stand so close to me. You're making me nervous."

"_I'm_ making _you_ nervous? Babe, check me out. I even look like you. I don't know how you do this everyday."

"Yeah neither do I. But you're still making me nervous."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Ranger," she glowered. "I mean you're half naked for crying out loud."

"Nothing you haven't seen before." It was cute seeing my babe get nervous in front of me. It was good leverage. Taking a step forward I prepared to turn my hot-o-metre to 'dangerously high,' when Stephanie interrupted.

"You know what? It's kinda cute to see you stuff up once in a while."

"Once in a while?" I almost spluttered. "Let's just say today didn't happen."

"Hey, come on. At least I know you're part human."

"Yea, the other part of me was taken over by aliens untrained in the fine art of bounty huntering," I couldn't believe I was joking at a time like this.

"Aliens?" She looked at me shocked. "That's my line! You stole my line!"

"So sue me. Babe, I think I've been hanging out with you for too long. Your disaster radar must be starting to rub off onto me."

"Yeah well, join the club."

I kissed her gently on the side of her head and smiled.

"Babe."

* * *

_A/N: So yeah there you go! All constructive criticisms are welcome! I had such a hard time writing the action sequence and the ending I was almost tearing my hair out. But hopefully it is a worthy offering to place at the altar of JE. Some of the nitty gritty I wasn't too sure about (Like Ranger having the same authority as the boys in blue and the geography of Point Pleasant) but in the case that I'm horribly mistaken I appeal to creative licence! Also, I kept on messing up, putting Lula in, taking Lula out, doing this and that. But the aim of this story was to keep it short and sweet and although I wrote out a whole sequence with Lula in it, it made my story WAY too long to handle. Who knows, I might extend this story. We'll see._


End file.
